In case you’re keeping track it’s been 6 weeks since I wrote a thing in here. If you’re not keeping track… thank you.
I have this funny thing that I do. I love to start things. I love to plan and plot and scheme. I love to dream and paint it all out in my mind. And then once I start, the doubts come in. The fears rise to the surface and I fill the bookshelves in my mind with excuses and their pages lined with fear. When I started Milagro Girl I knew this about myself. But still I pushed forward.
The launch was more than I could’ve imagined. The love was deep and wide. And that was just for myself. The kind words flowed in from people I love and admire. Comments and links filled my inbox and my heart swelled.
I continued to write but soon the shelves were heavy and began to buckle and the fears screamed for my attention.
I have some really amazing women in my life. So many of them I’ve yet to meet in person and yet they know my secrets and my weaknesses. I’ve made it a priority in my life to spend an hour or so on the phone with some of them every week. They ask me hard questions, questions that demand answers. And one led to a long time fear that has followed me far.
The fear of being alone has been at my core for as long as I can remember. It crept in when I spent my days crying at school. It held me in relationships that were harmful. It held me back from being my true self, it taught me to hide and to deny the things that I knew to be true. It taught me to give up and at times to not even try. It groomed me to believe less about who I was, who I am.
Well that fear and I have spent a lot of time together in the last couple weeks. I know it inside and out. But this time instead of letting it lead, I met it head on. I sat down and wrote. I spilled it all onto the screen and finally shook hands with the fear that has been my companion all this time. I did something that gave me back my power.
I made a plan.
When you have a plan things look different and less scary. There is less unknown. I made a plan for what I would do if I ever found myself completely alone. I wrote out the whole worst-case scenario and every detail. I wrote every person out of my life and painted myself standing bare and whole all on my own. I made a plan for my grief and for my healing and for my security and my safety. At the end of it all, I even gave myself permission to love and to trust again.
Now granted I could find myself all alone, and throw the plan away. I could curl up in a ball and never read it. But you know what. I’m not sure I’d have to. It was more for now. I took back my power from the fear, instead of running from it and letting it control the things that are of value to me. I looked the demon in the eyes and I had a heart to heart. I also know that fear doesn’t play by the rules and he may show up again with a new dialogue. But now…. now I know his weakness.