I grew up believing that church was about black patten leather shoes and gold stars for memory verses. Every Sunday was spent within the four walls of the brick building and Wednesday nights meant youth groups. It’s where most of my friendships were made and kept. It’s where meals were eaten and lessons of many kinds were learned.
I’m thankful for ALL of that.
In my 20′s I began to dig deeper into what I believed to be my own truth. I began to seek out who God really was and occasionally escaped to a different church where the worship was louder and my spirit was stirred. I spent hours in the Bible and began to question church leaders about the things that were being taught and how the Word was being interpreted. It was my religious “rebellious stage” if you will. I no longer clung to what others told me was “truth” instead I pushed and pulled to figure out what it all meant for and to me.
Right before I turned 30 I faced a crisis in my life. It was the hardest things I’ve ever walked through. And when all my world came falling apart I tried my best to cling to the faith that I had known. I walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I wanted to die but found myself pulled to life by a force outside of myself.
When the dust settled and I was still standing I came to a point where religion no longer served the same purpose in my life. The Sunday home, which once felt so safe, became a place of slander and gossip. The people who had celebrated my birth, marriage and the births of my children expected things of me that I could no longer produce and my desire to jump through their hoops had waned. The stained glass had cracked and the colors were running.
I began to seek out other places of worship and landed at the church with the rocking worship music and a passion for the lost. I could walk in with my flip flops and my dreadlocks and felt at home. I could sit on the floor and weep and know that I was not alone. We formed relationships that will last for a long time. We began once again to see God in a different light, alive and real. Raw and present.
When my family and I left our home last year to travel full time we did so on a leap of “faith”. We knew we were supposed to do this. Our hearts had been prepared and we were excited to jump. Our lives began to look really different, really quickly.
We didn’t find ourselves at a church building on Sunday mornings, instead we found ourselves in fellowship with neighbors at the park. We weren’t wearing our fanciest clothes, but somehow the woman who needed someone to listen when her daughter’s husband left, didn’t care. The homeless kids, the ones sleeping in a makeshift tent while they waited to jump the next train car, yeah, they were thankful for the food and the socks we gave them. The best worship I ever had was walking away from a long conversation with them. The family who worked at the campground for a spot with no water or electric, um yea, driving to a hotel and secretly buying them a 3 night stay, that was one of the best offerings.
I’ve come to a place of intersection in my faith. I love some of the things I grew up learning inside those brick walls. But I no longer think it’s about high heels, pews, or grape juice in plastic cups. Faith to me feels more about love right now, and being thankful in all that I do and all that I have. I love the teachings of Jesus that I grew up holding onto, I’m also pulled to the Buddha and his love of peace, and I’d really like a Guadalupe tattoo.
My prayers are said on a yoga mat, my comfort comes sitting around a campfire and staring at the flames, my offerings will continue to be giving rice krispy bars to the homeless, and I’m worshiping in the daily tasks before me. Right now, love is my religion.
It may seem contrite. It may not be enough for you. You may want to know what it is that I really believe and I’ll share that as I continue to figure it out. But right this second, I’m content to be walking my journey in this. It’s no one else’s. I don’t want to get to Heaven on someone else’s beliefs.
What do you know? I share the same religion
Amen to that, sister!
I loved this line – “The stained glass had cracked and the colors were running.” Though I didn’t go to a church with stained glass windows, this sentence summed up my feelings as I came to grips with the truth about my childhood religion.
Your words resonate such agreement and witness in me. Thank you for eloquently dictating what so many of us have experienced and felt.
As a full time family for only 6 months we have come across a few of the same experiences. I am crying right now because I strangely find some comfort in knowing I am not alone with these shared experiences. This post has made me realize that I am serving a purpose to others. And love over rules it all! Thanks!
Yes! I think your love-worship (manifesting as helping people) is something Jesus is all about. During his time on earth, that’s ALL he did — hanging out with the misfits, encouraging the forgotten, healing, serving, praying, loving. I don’t think that turning your back on the idea of the institution of what has unfortunately become so many churches (i.e., “clean up before you get here, or we won’t talk to you”) is the same as leaving Jesus behind.
I’m a little sad to hear that you’re turning toward Buddhism, because I have been there — frustrated with what so many churches have become, seeking a living faith, a relevant faith — and turned to goddess religions. The old goddess-based earth faiths are so beautiful to me on the surface, but when I try to delve into them, I find myself feeling empty. The only faith that has ever served to fill that emptiness is Jesus — not the church, but JESUS.
I don’t want you to think I’m criticizing you — I’m not, I promise. But I did want to encourage you that Jesus IS all about loving, serving, helping, and being messy. He is. I am so excited to see where your more active faith will take you!
well said
I love your post and I love what Betherann said…finally someone who is being completely real and honest! Thank you both for sharing your hearts. I don’t normally comment anywhere, but this really touched a nerve with me and how I am feeling lately. Thank you to you both
Hey girl,
I’m just finding that other teachers have something that we can all learn from. Thank you so much for your response. It was kind and truthful. And I’m glad you’ve found your landing place.
I just wanted to clarify in that I don’t think I’m going to become Buddhist
Sweet friend…I am right there with you. Growing up in a similar “religion” based church, I was taught to run screaming for the hills at the mere mention of Buddha.
I have since changed my mind about many things. Although I still find my salvation and peace completely in Jesus, I am no longer afraid to nod my head in agreement with Buddha, Thích Nhất Hạnh, and others. I think that some conservative Christians are so caught up in doing and reading only “Christian-approved” books, blogs, teachings…that they miss so much truth right in front of their eyes. I want to find truth…and that can be found in a homeless man’s eyes or in the words of a well-known pastor. I just pray I can recognize it wherever it lives. Love you and love your blog!! xxoo
Oh, AMEN, girls! While I grew up in the Christian faith and Jesus is what resonates for me, I’m tired of being judged for finding some truth and wisdom in other religions. I don’t believe in judging others even IF they are a Buddhist, Muslim or what have you. The sooner we learn to see past a “religion” the sooner we see love instead.
In the conservative Christian college I attended my freshman year, I took a class called “Modern Cults.” My professor said something the first day of class that I will never forget: “This class is not about mocking other religious groups. While we believe that our salvation is in Jesus, I also believe that there are lessons that we as Christians can learn from each group that we study here.”
My husband put it best: While we believe that the Bible IS truth, that doesn’t mean that anything not in the Bible is a lie.
i love this post. i think your words touch on something very important: that “real” church and “real” religion can be defined in so many ways. what is proper is not always right.
as for myself, i’m a christian (i can only say a devout one for the past 6 years). i try to walk with god in every aspect of my life and yes, be a lot like jesus. that being said, i have some difficulty with it. in the town we’re in, everyone is such a gossip and soooooooooo judgemental. every church we’ve tried with….wow…we’ve been so highly unimpressed. but my husband and i both have evolved into believing it really is about the deeds you do. so you handing out those socks to the homeless…..i think that IS worship. i think worship is so varied; and there are so many more meaningful ways to do it than to go sit in a pew/chair and fall asleep while someone speaks.
Amen!!! You have just written the words of my heart and soul. Big hugs to you from Oregon!!
I have read this blog from my incredible daughter and have something to say (not surprised huh?) I do not have to agree with the path my children choose – I do not have to agree with who they believe in. I believe God wants us to search him, read his word and try to live accordingly. How that looks may be different for me, my children and my friends. It would be easy for me as mom to read the blog and “start to defend how we brought out kids up” but that is not what I am going to do. We brought up two terrific kids (parenting has never been an easy thing has it?) We love thlem both uncondtionally just as I believe God does for us. I will pray for them to love….
There is no right way, only the way that speaks to your soul <3
I have no doubt that Jesus would have handed out rice krispy bars to the homeless had he had them to give. That by far is one of the best offerings ever.
Love this post.
interestingly … i’ve wanted to bring up this topic with you. because of what maybe your profile read & what I felt your heart said … this is such a thought topic for me right now … Especially in how & what to teach my kids when i’m struggling with having answers … I just don’t think that the confines of 4 simple walls are where I find religion. I’m not even certain that I need religion in my life … I need love. And feeling happiness. And peace. Gah. Maybe I should just stop right there & say “yes. I understand.”
Just know that you are not alone in this quest outside of Christianity (or maybe in it or alongside it?!). Your words were nearly my journey word for word. Even similar time of life! After years of sadness, guilt, loneliness, depression, I have come to realize I have to seek. Seek and find what is true for ME. Sometimes it doesn’t look like what you always thought it would. It is definitely worth the journey, though, as the world has opened up for me. I am amazed by the beauty (talent, creativity, kindness, comapassion) each human being has to offer. Even atheists, New Age-ers and Mormons (just to name a few groups)! And I can love them FOR REAL. Not just with the intention of leading them to Christ. It is so freeing to really accept someone right where they are., and have no desire to show them anything other than love.
Beautifull written. I to have gone on a similiar journey, many people do not understand but that is okay. I’m more comfortable with “me” than I’ve ever been. Thank you for writing this and sharing your story. It is very inspiring. I believe love and kindness is where religion began and somewhere along some of that has been lost. Thank you.
I agree wholeheartedly with what you say. I lost faith in the church when my mom almost died from my father’s beatings, but the Catholic Church and all our family INSISTED they stay together (most didn’t know about the abuse and those that did had NO idea how bad it was). Finally, she was granted an annulment and I remember going with her to see the priest etc. etc. THAT was the end of my ‘catholicism’ and began my journey into ‘churchianity’ which has now evolved to simply ‘living as Jesus did’. It really is simple. Loving, giving…so simple, yet so few Christians ‘get that’. Have you read ‘Under the Overpass’? Now THAT is living for Jesus! And that is just one example of SO many! I also am blown away by this girl http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/ She truly has given her life to live for Jesus in a radical way. Love these stories! Love people like yoU!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfXgCx3f_1c&feature=player_embedded Just found this about Katie that sums up how she lives for God.
Beautifully written! I love the way you’re living and see Jesus in it. Coming from the birthplace of Buddha, I have to agree with Betherann, that while there appears to be a lot of truth and beauty in his teachings, if it doesn’t bring you back to Jesus, it’s very, very empty. The streets of this city are filled with people from all over the world desperately seeking meaning. I like how Paul said it: “And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has deterined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him though He is not far from each one of us, for in Him we live and move and have our being, as some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are His offspring.’” A real search for real Truth will tak us not only out of the religious institutions we grew up with, but out of our very selves to the One who made us- because He IS Truth and He IS Love. Happy groping!
I love this post and I love your blog. It’s so refreshing to read about truth and what’s really important while so many people are running around chasing after emptiness and wondering why their cup is never full. Thank you!
I thought this post was lovely and well said. I just found you and I love the concept of your blog, though I am reading fewer and fewer blogs these days in order to live my own life and not get stuck behind the computer. I am not Christian nor do I really label myself as anything. I am a yoga teacher so I suppose I would say my spiritual path is yogic by nature. I have studied many religions. I think the words and teachings of Jesus are beautiful and true. I really dig him. I also think there is much to gain from other spiritual teachers and spiritual traditions. : Buddha, Gandhi, Mohammed…et al. What I personally have come to realize through all my studies is that all religions are at their heart very similar. They are all takes on the Great Divine Energy. Call that energy what you wish: God, Goddess, Spirit, Source, The Flow…In my opinion each religion is made of stories created by men so that they can have a personal relationship with what otherwise my seem an impersonal God energy. So each religion has its own story and way of relating to God, but ultimately they are all talking about the same Energy. Anyway, that is only my humble opinion. I take great comfort in it, because it allows me to accept and cherish all spiritual paths. There is only one mountain, but many different ways of getting up that mountain depending on who you are and what speaks to you.
I totally get it and totally agree! My father is a minister, and while the churches we served were a huge source of comfort and community, they were also the places where I witnessed some of the most cruel and hateful treatment of others. Oddly enough my religion course in college was the beginnings of the unraveling of my ‘religion’ I began a similar journey and have ended up pretty much exactly where you are. I guess Unitarian Universalist would be the closest known label for what I am. Though I don’t really feel the need for the label any more. Your writings are beautiful, and full of truth and honesty. I am grateful to be able to partake.
Oh how refreshing it is to read these words! I feel as though I tore open one of my very own journals. My husband and I are no longer attending “church” well… the church that most people think of when they hear the word. Our church is friends and family sitting around a bon-fire, pouring our hearts into people. I love this post friend. You will not know how you have touched me today. I get caught up in the pressure sometimes from family (hubby and I are both preacher kids) and wonder if what we are doing is the right thing. Should we be sitting in pew? Thank you for reminding me that church doesn’t have walls.
Wow. For the first time in months, I have some free time, and I decided I would spend it reading a bit of your blog, which I was shocked to learn that I had read this same post LAST SUMMER! How weird is that? And it resonates with me very much. My dad is a pastor for an evangelical church, and my roots in that faith are deep. But like you, my faith is so much deeper than one building, one congregation. This has been a long and deep process.
I know I’m commenting really really late on this… just wanted to say: yeah, I get this.